A Fiery Tornado of Doubt...

Wow...what a crazy week this has been.  And I don't mean that in a good way.  But, all is well for now.

I'm going to start off by sharing something good that happened this week, because I find it so ironic that after such a terrible cluster of days, it ended with this one good thing....

After years of creating art and selling online, marketing, tweeting, facebooking and blogging to the world, I was finally recognized on a local level.  That's cool, right?  I was the featured artist in the local Inland Empire newspaper "The Press Enterprise".  The article is online and in the print version as well.  It was funny seeing a photo of myself in newsprint.  I don't think I've been in "the paper" since I was a Brownie.  Would you like to read about me from a local standpoint?  Here it is ~  Press Enterprise Artist Spotlight.  So very nice to be recognized locally.

Okay...I don't usually blog about bad stuff.  I don't think most people go to artist's blogs to read about the ugly world...they probably get enough of that in real life.  But, in all fairness to my readers, I think sometimes you need to be honest.  Not graphic, but honest....

I try with all my might and heart to be positive, even in the worst conditions.  For the most part, I succeed.  But, there are times when I want to scream into the sky and shake my fist and say "Why me, Lord?  Why me"?  I'm fearful and find myself whirling in a fiery tornado of doubt.  Searching for faith and searching for my heart.  The most difficult thing is that all my doubts, all my fears, all of the tears and gnashing are because of the one thing in this world that I loathe the most.....money.  Yep...I loathe it.  I am horrified at what it can do TO people rather than FOR them.  I resent the fact that I have to rely on something so potentially poison to keep food on the table.  To keep the water flowing through my faucets, to keep the lights shining in my home.

When the economy  fell apart, we were already on our way down, as we were overwhelmed with medical expenses for my mom.  By the time she passed away, the economy was down the drain and we went right along with it.  My husband had a job change, we lost our health insurance, we struggled to keep our home, one of our vehicles took it's final breath etc....You know the story, because unfortunately, our story is common now.  It saddens me everyday to read about folks that have lost their homes, lost their jobs. The biggest loss can sometimes be the loss of hope.

So...with all of that said, I still love my life.  Things are a bit better now, but honestly, we still get walloped if any small, unexpected expense occurs.  We still struggle to make ends meet, we still live hand to mouth.

Here's what I do...on a daily basis.  I force myself to recognize 3 small things I am grateful for and really think about those things.  It clears my mind and allows me to focus on the good stuff rather than the horrific turn our lives have taken.  I go outside and purposefully look for tiny little things to be thankful for.  I look around my home at the history here...inherited family clocks, my grandma's old coffee grinder, photos of the kids on Halloween.  These little things can't be taken out of your heart or your gut.

There are people out there with a whole lot of power.  People who can take your home away from you.  They can take your car away from you.  They can turn off your water, shut down your electricity and steal your hope.  They can cause you to cry buckets full of tears, argue with your husband and look at yourself in the mirror with a dread and a self-hate that you hardly recognize.  But....they can't steal the little things that you keep safely tucked away inside a quiet spot in your heart.  Your history, your kids, your memories of childbirth, past friendships, the smell of a rose, buzzing bees.

You have to own something.  You have to keep hold of the things that no one else can take.  Hold them tight and be grateful and fully aware of all the little things each and everyday.  It's the "Everydays" in our lives that matter the most.

There will always be fear and horror and dread and poison in this world.  Without a doubt, each and every one of us will have a time when these horrors and poisons will seep into our lives on a personal basis.  Get ahold of your little things now.  Live your "Everydays" now.  It's never too early or too late to start.

Until Next Time:
Kim
Gerushia's New World