Friday, July 29, 2011

A Fiery Tornado of Doubt...

Wow...what a crazy week this has been.  And I don't mean that in a good way.  But, all is well for now.

I'm going to start off by sharing something good that happened this week, because I find it so ironic that after such a terrible cluster of days, it ended with this one good thing....

After years of creating art and selling online, marketing, tweeting, facebooking and blogging to the world, I was finally recognized on a local level.  That's cool, right?  I was the featured artist in the local Inland Empire newspaper "The Press Enterprise".  The article is online and in the print version as well.  It was funny seeing a photo of myself in newsprint.  I don't think I've been in "the paper" since I was a Brownie.  Would you like to read about me from a local standpoint?  Here it is ~  Press Enterprise Artist Spotlight.  So very nice to be recognized locally.

Okay...I don't usually blog about bad stuff.  I don't think most people go to artist's blogs to read about the ugly world...they probably get enough of that in real life.  But, in all fairness to my readers, I think sometimes you need to be honest.  Not graphic, but honest....

I try with all my might and heart to be positive, even in the worst conditions.  For the most part, I succeed.  But, there are times when I want to scream into the sky and shake my fist and say "Why me, Lord?  Why me"?  I'm fearful and find myself whirling in a fiery tornado of doubt.  Searching for faith and searching for my heart.  The most difficult thing is that all my doubts, all my fears, all of the tears and gnashing are because of the one thing in this world that I loathe the most.....money.  Yep...I loathe it.  I am horrified at what it can do TO people rather than FOR them.  I resent the fact that I have to rely on something so potentially poison to keep food on the table.  To keep the water flowing through my faucets, to keep the lights shining in my home.

When the economy  fell apart, we were already on our way down, as we were overwhelmed with medical expenses for my mom.  By the time she passed away, the economy was down the drain and we went right along with it.  My husband had a job change, we lost our health insurance, we struggled to keep our home, one of our vehicles took it's final breath etc....You know the story, because unfortunately, our story is common now.  It saddens me everyday to read about folks that have lost their homes, lost their jobs. The biggest loss can sometimes be the loss of hope.

So...with all of that said, I still love my life.  Things are a bit better now, but honestly, we still get walloped if any small, unexpected expense occurs.  We still struggle to make ends meet, we still live hand to mouth.

Here's what I do...on a daily basis.  I force myself to recognize 3 small things I am grateful for and really think about those things.  It clears my mind and allows me to focus on the good stuff rather than the horrific turn our lives have taken.  I go outside and purposefully look for tiny little things to be thankful for.  I look around my home at the history here...inherited family clocks, my grandma's old coffee grinder, photos of the kids on Halloween.  These little things can't be taken out of your heart or your gut.

There are people out there with a whole lot of power.  People who can take your home away from you.  They can take your car away from you.  They can turn off your water, shut down your electricity and steal your hope.  They can cause you to cry buckets full of tears, argue with your husband and look at yourself in the mirror with a dread and a self-hate that you hardly recognize.  But....they can't steal the little things that you keep safely tucked away inside a quiet spot in your heart.  Your history, your kids, your memories of childbirth, past friendships, the smell of a rose, buzzing bees.

You have to own something.  You have to keep hold of the things that no one else can take.  Hold them tight and be grateful and fully aware of all the little things each and everyday.  It's the "Everydays" in our lives that matter the most.

There will always be fear and horror and dread and poison in this world.  Without a doubt, each and every one of us will have a time when these horrors and poisons will seep into our lives on a personal basis.  Get ahold of your little things now.  Live your "Everydays" now.  It's never too early or too late to start.

Until Next Time:
Kim
Gerushia's New World

22 comments:

XquisitebyLadyM said...

Kim, this is absolutely sensational and right on target. I will keep you and your family in my prayers!

TexasEagle said...

What a joy to find someone looking for positives when the world is in such a negative dive! Unfortunately, your dilemma has become "every man's story". Your search for positive vibes and feeling whole again gives inspiration and hope for others! Thanks for your honesty and sharing your feelings!

Deni said...

Thank you for a true "from the heart" message! Keep looking for the positive and I will keep you in my prayers!
Deni

Gerushia's New World said...

Well, thank you ladies. Thank you for taking the time to read my post and thank you for commenting. If my family's situation can help someone else, then our troubles have not been in vain.

Kim

Julie Martinez said...

Beautifully written and said. I think the times we live on can squeeze the life right out of us, so how important it is to have an outlook the can still see the positive. I feel your pain all too often, thanks for sharing.

Leta Porter said...

Wow. Great post!! Sometimes life hits us with so much and sometimes we create our own( I speak with lots of experience there). But regardless, it is essential to our well being as humans to keep looking at and doing the little things that make our lives worth living and creates a sense of peace and hopefully happiness. Hugs, Leta

Gerushia's New World said...

Thank you so much, Julie and Leta.

georgiamarbles said...

Kim, I can so relate to this!! I am not sure how old you are but am assuming you are much younger than me. I am 58 and been married 39 years and raised 4 children. Through those 39 years we had our water,electricity,and gas all shut off, lost vehicles, thought we were going hungry( we weren't) and at times wondered too "why us"? The bottom line is and what I want to share with you ... you will survive all of this because you have realized what is really important in life and no one can take that away from you. I had the worse summer of my life last year .... my grandson Jackson (2) was diagnosed with Burkit's lymphoma and had to have surgery and chemo ... I stayed with him for 4 months straight in the hospital .. now he is doing well and we are appreciating the little things in life this summer! Reading your beautiful post has inspired me to write one of my own about Jackson on MY blog . I hope you follow my blog and know when I post the story... that you inspired it! Take care and thank you for sharing!
Georgia (Jackson's Mammaw)

Gerushia's New World said...

Georgia:

I am so happy that little Jackson is doing well now.

Thank you for stopping by and leaving such a kind and beautiful comment. I am now following your blog and will watch for that inspiring post!

Kim

georgiamarbles said...

Kim i just finished it!! thanks!!! georgia

Kathy said...

Ow Kim, I love you for so many reasons...we share so many likes, and sometimes I think perspective as well. I was humbled by your words, though they talk of your struggles they ere beautiful because they came straight from your heart. As you know, I am on a journey too, away from the negative, and I too, search for my faith...and I also want desperately to live from my heart, instead of my head. YOU do that...and this is such a good thing to do. I bet after you wrote this, you felt fabulous...you got it out.
I will say a prayer for you, and I hope this next year will be even better than this one for your family.
Oh, and so happy for your good news and the feature....yay! Off to read it.... xo

Gerushia's New World said...

Kathy...I love you for so many reasons too. You are always an inspiration!

Kim ♥

Patrick Lynch said...

Well said, well said. I've been through a lot of what you've described. As an artist with a day job, staying positive some days is the biggest accomplishment of all.

Glad to see you got some local recognition. That is often surprisingly hard. Recently, I made the local newspaper because I kicked off a series of shows the library is having with local artists. It felt good that someone noticed at last.

Off to read your article...

Gerushia's New World said...

Congrats on the local notice, Patrick. It's funny that it's so difficult to get noticed locally when all the world is now an open book, due to online exposure.

Kim

Barbra said...

Kim...(((((HUGS!)))))

Gerushia's New World said...

Thank you Barbra!

Kim

shell-rose creations said...

Well said, Kim! XOXOXO
shell

Raige Creations said...

so true, and it is a little refreshing when you can let the unimportant go, and focus on the little wonderful things.
A hurricane taught me that, we lost nearly everything, except our family was safe. That completely rearranged our priorities, and though we need reminding, we try to live that way. Family most important, the memories and experiences we have and share, the rest....can be replaced.

~ Rebecca said...

Kim.....just yesterday I told my husband..."I've got to decide if I'm waiting to die, or am I waiting to start living" Maybe I'll do a blog post myself about this. We have also struggled these last two years 2009, & 2010, and this year has been on the upswing. But I'm still in that "waiting" mode. Waiting to see how this month will play out. Waiting to see what's going to drop on us next. Waiting to get better (not sure I ever will) Waiting to see if I can pay ALL the bills this month......I completely know where you are coming from, and I realized if I had to go live in a cardboard box, as long as I had my beautiful daughter and my husband....I'd survive and surviving would be okay.

mcs8409 said...

Thank you for sharing - you will probably NEVER know the lives you have touched................and congrats on the local write-up!
((HUGS)),
Grandmother Carolyn

Gerushia's New World said...

I hope, in some little way, I have helped. That's what we're here for, I think. I have so many wonderful art friends and blog friends that are inspiring and heartful. I know I've been helped by them!

Thank you so much for taking the time stop by and read my post.

Kim

Abracadebra Designs said...

Hi there, You have such a beautiful way with words and such a positive outlook on things. Thank you for sharing a piece of yourself with us. Also, a great big congrats for being featured in the paper. :)
Debbie